In an unexpected press conference today, Buffalo Sabres General Manager Kevyn Adams shocked fans and media alike by announcing a massive $25,000 investment to renovate the team’s aging stadium.
“We’ve heard the fans,” Adams declared, standing proudly in front of the visibly crumbling KeyBank Center. “They said it smells like nachos from 2003, the seats creak like haunted rocking chairs, and the scoreboard still runs on dial-up. So we’re taking bold action — twenty-five thousand dollars’ worth of action.”
The $25,000 renovation plan includes:
*Three new light bulbs for the east concourse.
*Fresh duct tape for the broken Zamboni door.
*A limited-edition coat of paint for the visitor locker room—“probably beige.”
*A Roomba, affectionately nicknamed “Zamboomba,” to clean spilled popcorn in Section 123.
“We’re not saying this will fix everything overnight,” Adams admitted. “But it’s a start. Or at least, a fresh coat of beige is.”
Fans had mixed reactions. One lifelong Sabres supporter commented, “I thought he meant $25 million at first. Then I realized the nacho smell isn’t going anywhere.”
Meanwhile, the arena’s resident pigeon colony declined to comment but appeared “generally indifferent,” according to eyewitnesses.
As for future improvements, Adams teased a possible GoFundMe campaign for a second Roomba and maybe, just maybe, working Wi-Fi by 2026.
